Currently Listening A Fever You Can't Sweat Out By Panic! At the Disco The Only Difference Between MArtyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage see related

I Don't Even Think Dissapointed Comes Close To Covering It....

Yea,

So today blew monkey testicles. I worked open, which is never fun cause I'm a big fan of sleep. It was in general boring, but I had excitement looming in the distance and was pushing to get there. You see sara and joe were up camping and I was supposed to car pool over there to hang out with em. Went to Wally, bought Dad gifts for belated fathers day, bought swim trunks and went home excited ready for the night.

Get home, mom says we're eating dinner at 5. Fuck, that kinda throws a wrench into things. Considering it was supposed to be dinner at 4... so I'm like, wtf ever I'll call David and try to talk him into waiting for me. I say, Hey dinner got moved to five, expecting to segway into waiting for me. He flat out says, "Whelp, I guess you aren't going." Wow... awesome so now the only thing that kept me going during the day is gone. Cool... So my moms like I'm sorry it messed things up... I'm like yea me too. So then, I miss a bunch of phone calls from Sara and get put under house arrest to spend time with the family, thus preventing me from thinking of driving.

I layed in bed and was fighting back tears of dissapointment, because I've been feeling surprisingly alone since Friday. Maybe its because my life teaters in a desperate and pathetic balance of social and mental stability, IDK. I just feel so crushed that there wasn't even a discussion to a form of solution to the dinner delay. It was just opp fuck you Matt you can't go.

IDK, reminds me of why I almost tucked tail and ran from this town last year. Everytime I think I can believe in somebody, that they are a good friend(exemption to Sara, as this is not her fault) they fuck me over in the end. Its been like this all through my life, which is why I have trouble opening up to people and trusting people. Heck I made myself sick with guilt after I found out about Sara's friend. Its just like any time anyone else dies in an accident my age that ends up hurting people I care about. I just wonder, why couldn't have been me instead of him, or them, or Drew.

I don't know... maybe my head is just fucked beyond repair.

Be quiet brain or I'll shut you up with a shotgun...

er stab you with a que tip.

<EMO ENTRY COMPLETED>

/Matt

I never post, because well, I have better things to do. Like make pudding and not share with Sara.

Alright.

Giggity, giggity.

Currently Listening The Rising Tied By Fort Minor see related

Go Go, Gadget Music.

"Where'd You Go?"

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...

Currently Listening From Under the Cork Tree By Fall Out Boy Dance, Dance! see related

Yea, The Silence Is Broken

Yea, I'm sure you all have missed me, right. My keyboard is, lets say, affected greatly by a pop spill, so forgive my typos.

Recently I have become afflicted again by what one could call traumatic stress flashbacks. I have them from time to time, in varying severity, and they really make life hard. Mostly because it interrupts my sleep patterns, because its hard to sleep when you are having some of the most terrifying and painful memories replayed in your mind everytime you close your eyes. I'm trying to get throuigh it, but its been hard. I've been leaning hard on select friends who I know will put up with me when I'm exhausted and bug me only minimum if they catch me when I break down. Work isn't gonna be fun, because I'm really tired and I can't gaurantee I'll be able to keep the anger from boiling over.

Here let me give you a tour of my memories, just because I'm afraid to go to bed.

1. I have this flashback dream. It starts with a song by The Offsprig I can not listen to do to its jarring impact on my psyche. This causes me to realize whats going to transpire, but I can't stop it. I then sit and watch an in body replay of my car being hit at 60 miles per hour. This event alone usually fails to wake me up. Then my brain remembers the confusion and fear caused by waking up disoriented in my backseat and I just pop awake.

2. I here the sound of airbags exploding, and glass shattering as I see a white object fly and hit my in the chest. I wake up and grab my arm, scared that I'm in a car and not in bed.

3. I live through the last weekend of my relationship. I can't go into it, because I don't feel like sharing, but it causes some confusion and pain.

4. Sticking my hand in the frier.

5. Cutting my hand on the slicer, only worse than I ever have.

Thats just a slice of the things my mind is throwing in front of me. I'm worried they are a precedant to impending disaster, like the last time they occured, but I'm struggling through.

Don't know what keyed them off, but I'm living through it.

Later,

Matt

Currently Listening Faceless By Godsmack I Fucking Hate You see related

Me No Likey Threaty

 So, ive decided that I do not like people coming into work and making cryptic, unclarified threats to me. I realize that you probably are gonna say, well thats not what I was going for, but suriously I don't like being told, stop something in a semi scary sort of tone. Is there some sort of threat for potential backlash, cause if so, yes I'm dead and gone. But suriously, cryptic threat? Bush league.

On a side note, I'm really nervous about work now that I have to monitor my behavior instead of just having fun. It'll be a change, but I guess I have to do so to maintain the peace. I know this probably sounds rash, but surious I'm not sitting there planning and scheming what are taken by other people as flirtatious moves. I'm just being me, and thats the way it comes out. Some of you will point to the encouraging note, but I got a call from her looking for her cell and it sounded like she'd been crying, and I wanted to bring some joy. Sorry I can't do it and maintain my innocence.

I'm so mad I could just kick a puppy....if they weren't so darn cute.

DAMN PUPPIES WILL RULE THE WORLD BY THE YEAR 2000!

Remember, pants are a must except for no pants Thursday.

To you I say...Good day.

Matt.

But Matt,

I said to you good day.

Matt